Green Eyed Monster

I've been down for the past few days which I'm sure is a combination of things. My hormones are out of whack because I am post menstrual which for some nutso reason is my worst nutso time of the month. But I think the stress of work and getting home after 7 at night at least 3 nights a week with soccer practice and house hunting and just daily life in general are getting the better of me.

And to make things worse it seems that EVERYONE is pregnant lately! (not that I'm not happy for my friends...a little jealous maybe, but still thrilled for them) And of course the whole pressure of this house hunting thing is because of the baby...or the lack thereof. We have to have a bigger house or there will be no baby. But we don't want to buy just any old house and then pay on it for the next 15 years of our life.

My pregnancy wasn't really all that easy with Cole and I have battled low blood sugar since, especially in the past year. So my health combined with my age have convinced me to decide that if we are going to have another child, we will have to get it done before I turn 35. And I'm 32. So I have tried to make peace with the reality that if we don't find and house and don't get pregnant in the next year and a half there probably won't be a baby. I just can't see sacrificing my health for the sake of having another child when we already have two wonderful boys.
It's sad to think though that another baby just might not be in the cards for our family. It makes me sad for Andy. And it scares me. I of course worry that if I can't have his baby that he will eventually find someone who will have his baby. He says not to worry about that, but I can't help but worry about that sometimes. I know how powerful the need to have a child is. I can only pray that if we are faced with that reality, that we can both learn to accept it and find peace with the family that we have.

I have thought for so long that Andy was both mine and the boys' answered prayer. Perhaps having a baby of his own is not in God's plan for Andy. I'm a worrier. That's what I do. I analyze things from every angle. I guess that's what makes me good at what I do because I can anticipate problems and prepare for them ahead of time or prevent problems ahead of time. But other times it really sucks. I wish I was more carefree and laid-back. Worry free or even flighty.

But I'm not.